What is Sex Therapy?
As a sex therapist that works remotely throughout Texas, North Carolina, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Colorado I get this question A LOT. I think I answered it twice just yesterday. If I’m being quite honest when I started on this journey of wanting to help people who struggle with their sex lives I am not certain I knew the answer. Maybe I still don’t. It would be easier to say what sex therapy isn’t, so I will start there. I am hoping this will be a continued series about all things sex therapy. I plan to cover topics like what you could expect in a session with me as a sex therapist, what are the most common struggles I see, what to do if your partner just doesn’t want to have sex and much much more. So, stay tuned…but for today let’s start here:
Sex Therapy Isn’t:
A place to be judged. Look- like it or not (and I don’t) our culture is very weird about sex. You see depictions of sex in almost every tv show, every magazine, every website (most of it not very accurate or realistic) and yet- we still get mega embarrassed to ever talk about it with our friends, family, and even our healthcare providers. This is why I make it a priority to normalize talking about any and all sexual topics with my clients. I have had so many clients reflect “wow! that is the first time I have ever told anyone that.” I cherish your stories and experiences and do everything I can to make you feel comfortable and at ease. You may come in to my virtual office scared to discuss these topics but my hope is that you will leave with one person you know you can tell anything to without judgement.
A place where you will be forced to have sex you don’t want to have. Many people come to me after years of forcing themselves to just “get through” sex with their partners. This becomes a negatively reinforcing experience. The more they force themselves to have sex they don’t want, the less they want to have sex. It becomes a vicious cycle. This could and will be a blog topic all its own but I just want to say I will NEVER encourage a client to have sex they don’t want to have. Never. Ever. We deal with issues of low desire or desire discrepancy sensitively, patiently, and with a joint effort to explore why sex is challenging.
Sexy. At least not always. What do I mean by this? Well, I will be honest- when I started this work I thought “How fun! I will get to help people learn to have amazing hot sex!” Truth be told I do get to do that sometimes but most of the time sex therapy is processing trauma, undoing years of harmful purity culture (also a blog post of its own coming soon!), working with medical providers, helping people gain balance in household responsibilities, providing comprehensive sex education, and so much more. That work isn’t always sexy- instead it is difficult and often challenging but my clients would tell you very much worth the effort.
A sexual space. I am an open book. My clients know this about me. It is the narrative therapist in me that helps by sharing stories and many of those stories are things that I have experienced. No, I don’t talk about me the whole session (that would be weird and kinda rude). However, sex therapy is not a space for clients to ask me personal questions about my own sexual experiences. You can ask, but I will also reserve the right to decline to answer. We will talk about sexual things and I will share what I know about sex and human bodies but we won’t be being sexual. It is very normal for clients to confuse these boundaries and if you find yourself doing that it is definitely something I want to discuss and process and hope to do without judgement. I think this happens because people are so unused to talking to people about sex. I especially notice this with male clients, I am often the only woman they have ever talked to about sex and this can bring up a mix of very normal feelings but I will hold firm boundaries in these situations.
One size fits all. Everyone comes to me with a different background and experiences. I work with people from all walks of life and my approach is to meet you where you are. Therapy is not about me or what I want for you, it is about you and what you want for yourself. This is why I am incredibly collaborative. I find most people have been harmed sexually by having other people force what they want/believe/think is right on them- and I will never try to heal you by doing what harmed you. First, because that is cruel and also because it would be an impossible path to healing.
Always Serious. I know I said that sex therapy isn’t sexy but that doesn’t mean it has to be boring and challenging all of the time! We will laugh, we will cry, we will welcome all manner of junior high level perverted jokes. I love using humor in my sessions and welcome you to do the same. Sex is funny and bodies are hilarious. So I hope you will laugh and have a sense of humor about these topics.
I hope you found this helpful and it at least answered a few questions you have. I know if you are like many of my clients, you are up reading this maybe even late at night because you have had some type of experience that was difficult, frustrating, or worrisome. If I could tell you anything it would be that I am glad you are taking this first step and being curious. Sex therapy requires a lot of curiousity so here you are already taking that huge first step. The next thing I will say is, if you have questions reach out. I love to connect people to resources. Even if 1:1 or relationship therapy is not for you right now- I have a million podcast recommendations and books I would recommend. You have to start somewhere and I am just so incredibly happy you are taking this first leap to freedom and peace around sexual struggles.