What is Purity Culture and How Do You Heal From It?
Purity Culture: Understanding Its Harmful Impact and How Sex Therapy Can Help
Purity culture is a set of beliefs that emphasize sexual abstinence before marriage, often tying a person’s worth to their sexual purity. It is most commonly associated with conservative religious movements, particularly evangelical Christianity in the United States, but similar ideologies exist in various cultures and communities worldwide. While teachings about sexual ethics are not inherently harmful, purity culture often promotes rigid, shame-based messages about sexuality that can have long-lasting negative effects on a person’s self-esteem, relationships, and overall well-being.
What Is Purity Culture?
Purity culture, as it is widely recognized today, gained prominence in the 1990s and early 2000s with movements such as True Love Waits and the popularity of books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. These teachings emphasized that premarital sex, sexual thoughts, and even certain forms of physical affection (like kissing or holding hands in some circles) were morally wrong and could have serious spiritual and relational consequences. Many young people were encouraged to wear purity rings, sign abstinence pledges, and avoid dating altogether in favor of "courtship," where parental oversight played a central role in romantic relationships.
At the core of purity culture is the idea that a person's value—especially for women—is closely tied to their sexual purity. Metaphors like "chewed-up gum," "a plucked flower," or "a piece of tape that loses its stickiness" were often used to warn against engaging in premarital sex, implying that a person who has had sex before marriage is damaged or less desirable. This messaging disproportionately affected women, reinforcing gendered expectations that placed the burden of purity on them while often excusing male sexual desires as natural and uncontrollable.
The Harmful Effects of Purity Culture
Though often presented as a way to protect young people from harm, purity culture has led to significant psychological, emotional, and relational consequences for many individuals.
Shame and Guilt Around Sexuality
Purity culture teaches that sexual thoughts, desires, and actions outside of marriage are sinful and shameful. Many people who grew up in these environments internalize deep feelings of guilt when they experience natural sexual urges. Even after getting married, some individuals struggle to embrace their sexuality because they have spent years being conditioned to associate sex with shame.Fear and Anxiety About Relationships
Many people raised in purity culture develop unhealthy views of relationships. Since dating was often discouraged or replaced with courtship, individuals may lack the skills to form healthy, consensual romantic partnerships. There can be an intense fear of making a "wrong" choice in a partner, leading to anxiety, avoidance, or settling for relationships that are not fulfilling simply because they align with purity teachings.Sexual Dysfunction and Difficulties in Marriage
Purity culture often creates an unrealistic expectation that sex within marriage will be immediately fulfilling, without considering the emotional and psychological impact of years of repression. Many individuals, particularly women, report difficulties with sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm due to the negative conditioning around sex. Issues such as vaginismus (painful intercourse due to involuntary muscle tightening) and erectile dysfunction can also stem from deep-seated fears and anxieties about sex.Misinformation About Sexual Health
Abstinence-only education, which is often tied to purity culture, leaves many people without essential knowledge about their own bodies, contraception, consent, and healthy sexual expression. This lack of education can lead to increased risks of unintended pregnancies, sexually transmitted infections (STIs), and difficulty understanding personal boundaries.Harmful Gender Roles and Inequality
Purity culture reinforces rigid gender roles, teaching that men are the initiators of sex and women are the gatekeepers who must uphold purity. This can lead to power imbalances in relationships, a lack of agency for women over their own sexual choices, and even justification for coercion or marital rape under the guise of "wifely duties."
How a Sex Therapist Helps Individuals Recover from Purity Culture
For those struggling with the harmful effects of purity culture, sex therapy offers a compassionate, evidence-based approach to healing. A sex therapist is a licensed mental health professional trained to help individuals and couples navigate sexual concerns, including those stemming from religious or cultural beliefs about sex.
Unpacking Shame and Rewriting Narratives
One of the first steps in sex therapy is helping clients identify and challenge the shame-based messages they received about sex. Through cognitive restructuring and acceptance-based approaches, therapists help individuals replace harmful beliefs with healthier, more affirming views of sexuality. Clients learn that their worth is not tied to their sexual history and that sexual expression is a natural, positive part of being human.Developing a Healthy Relationship with Sexuality
For many individuals raised in purity culture, sex is either seen as sinful or something to be endured rather than enjoyed. A sex therapist helps clients reconnect with their bodies, explore their desires, and develop a positive, shame-free relationship with their sexuality. This may involve guided self-exploration, mindfulness exercises, and open discussions about sexual values and boundaries.Addressing Sexual Dysfunction
Clients experiencing physical symptoms such as pain during sex, lack of desire, or difficulty with arousal may benefit from therapeutic interventions that address both the psychological and physiological aspects of sexual functioning. Therapists may incorporate mindfulness, desensitization techniques, or exercises to help clients become more comfortable with sexual intimacy.Navigating Relationship Challenges
Whether working with individuals or couples, a sex therapist helps clients improve communication around intimacy, establish healthy boundaries, and rebuild trust if past teachings have led to relationship struggles. Therapy provides a safe space to explore fears, desires, and expectations without judgment.
How I Can Help
I provide relational and individual therapy to help people heal from purity culture and other harmful messaging. My services are available virtually throughout Texas, North Carolina, Tennessee, Louisiana, Oklahoma, and Colorado. If you’re struggling with shame, fear, or confusion around sex and relationships, therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for healing.
Conclusion
Purity culture has left many individuals struggling with shame, fear, and confusion about their sexuality. However, recovery is possible. With the help of a sex therapist, individuals can unlearn harmful beliefs, develop a healthier relationship with their sexuality, and move toward a more fulfilling and authentic sense of self. Healing from purity culture is a journey, but it is one that leads to greater freedom, self-acceptance, and empowerment in all aspects of life.